Clearing Out Some of My Emotional Weight
Over the past years I've found myself on a healing journey, without the intention of healing myself in the beginning (I had absolutely no idea I had anything to heal!), and the barest idea of what was happening to me.
Yet the healing had started, and there was no turning back. I had to heal more and more profoundly- that was the only way to go.
One of the things I knew deep within myself I had to come to terms with, was my relationship with "stuff", as I had come to realize I was deeply wounded about that- in particular due to conditioning by my Grandmother (who had gone through war), and my Mom (who has been wounded herself by the beliefs/energy of her Mother).
I'm not going too much in depth here, so that the post remains short and hopefully helpful.
In the beginning, I started forcing, and pushing myself hard, because the weight on my shoulders was just too heavy, and I felt the desire to free myself.
I threw away or donated lots of stuff, but even though I didn't see that so clearly back then, soon afterwards I was feeling weighed down again by a sense of regret, guilt (because I had given away things that were still in very good/almost new conditions and for which money had been spent), sadness (because I grieved my stuff), and confusion- because no matter how many things I had given away, I didn't really feel lighter at all, and my home seemed to be in the same conditions as it was before. I dreamt of a Zen, minimalist home, and seemed to be totally unable to have that- despite all of my efforts.
Then, when I moved to England, and all of the boxes arrived from Italy, despite the initial shock of feeling like I was drowning into stuff and chaos again, I knew I was in for a treat. While I wasn't as conscious as I am now, because the most intense part of my spiritual awakening hadn't happened yet, I decided that it was time to heal my wound once and for all.
I already was awake enough to understand that the healing had to be on different levels other than the physical. It had to happen on the spiritual, mental and emotional level first. Without that, getting rid of physical stuff wouldn't have solved my problems at all.
And so I started... deliberately... steadily... at my own pace. But just like a bulldozer, nothing could stop me. If my ego raised her voice, I was determined to hush her immediately. And so did I.
The very first thing I did, was paying attention to the way I felt about each and every object/piece of clothing etc in my possessions. I went through everything, and started discarding immediately what made me feel bad or heavy or contracted in any way- without thinking.
If you leave it manoeuvring space, your ego starts immediately to create turbulence in your head by injecting fears and doubt. You have to make yourself straight and not leave it any possibility of doing that. You must be firm. And you must be quick.
Now- I'm not here suggesting to throw stuff away so quickly that we will regret it. I'm here saying that if something makes you feel bad in any way- even slightly- where's the point of keeping it? I for sure want to feel good, not bad. I don't want to feel contracted or hear my mind that starts chattering and creating mess in my thoughts and my emotions each and every time I lay my eyes onto something in my home that reminds me of unpleasant times, something happened in the past, etcetera.
Many many times we are completely blind to the fact that objects DO carry energy. And that that energy has a huge impact on our own energy.
The sooner you learn this lesson the better. You'll spare yourself a lot of suffering and hard work.
This was the first layer of healing that I did about this particular wound, clearing my home from stuff that made me feel heavy, weighed down, sad, angry, anxious, grieving. From whatever didn't make me feel light and happy.
My self- imposed rule was simple. If what I am seeing gives me a bodily reaction of discomfort of any kind- even though I may not be able to pinpoint exactly what it is about- I'm discarding this. I was maybe not able to verbalize this at that time, but I seemed to know exactly what I was doing on some level.
I made piles of stuff to take immediately to the recycling centre or charity shops. Immediately. So I could not overthink.
I threw away and donated almost everything I had brought from Italy, and in time, I have replaced everything with things I loved. You know the quote by William Morris, right? "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.” What I wanted was to feel good in my home, and be surrounded just by things that made my heart soar.
The photographs in this post are of a beloved corner of my kitchen, where I gathered together things that made me super happy- from the furniture to the last bit displayed. It took me years to arrive at this point, but when sitting at the kicthen table and seeing this before my eyes, I really could feel that deep, deep JOY inside, and see how far I had come in terms of healing, self- love and self- care.
And while the healing has been much more profound than that, this was a very important and powerful initial step for me. I'm still here continuing the work. There are always new layers coming up to the surface to be healed...
Hope these little stories of my life inspire you to do your own work and heal your life, too.